We don't "do" suprises- a frank and honest analysis

I think most people who know us know that we are having another baby. Also, if you know us very well, you were probably surprised to hear that we were expecting again. So were we. Now I've always been a bit on the side of, "how surprised can you really be, I mean we know how babies are made and if you're not careful then is it really a surprise?". I always knew it would serve me right to eat my words, and now I am. However, in my defense (without TMI I hope), we can honestly say this is not a case of "I guess we weren't careful enough" and more of a case of "we now fall in the statistics of the 10-20% failure rate". That being said, this has been a HUGE adjustment on many levels for us. When I was pregnant with Ben, I really wanted a girl. Although I was disappointed, he has been the sweetest thing ever and I can't imagine it any other way. He and Luke have so much fun together, and it will be wonderful to watch their relationship grow over the years. We were always on the fence about whether to have 2 or 3 kids; Aaron was more on the 2-side and I was more on the 3-side. However, when we made the decision to send Luke to a private school that made the decision for us. We ran numbers over and over and decided that while we could afford private tuition for 2 kids with me working only part time, there was no way we could manage more than that unless I worked full time and that was not a sacrifice we were willing to make. So decision made. 2 kids, 2 boys, Luke and Ben, we're done. I mourned the idea at first, but in the end we knew it was the best decision for our family and I was at peace with that. I had come to terms with my 2 boys, who I love dearly and are so much fun. This was our family and that was OK, we were all happy with that.

Well, apparently we were WRONG. This is a case where we just throw it to the heavens and say, "God, clearly our plans and yours didn't match this time so we're going to have to trust in you because we know we certainly can not manage this all by ourselves." To say we were in shock when we found out about our surprise is probably an understatement. I was in denial for a good 2 months, and honestly I still find myself shaking my head in disbelief as I think of the sleepless nights and dirty diapers to come. My pregnancies with the boys were very easy overall. I had heartburn (severely), but that's it. A little bit of trouble sleeping with Ben, but it was manageable with a bed full of pillows to support me. I never felt sick, just really hungry. I was really sad to think that I wouldn't be pregnant again, because I really enjoyed it. This time has been different. I felt AWFUL for the first 2-3 weeks, and just OK for the 2 months that followed. I would wake up in the morning and literally dread the idea of getting out of bed because I knew as soon as I got up I would feel terrible, and feel that way pretty much all day. More nights than not, I would end up on the bed after dinner because if I sat up or moved I knew I would throw up. I never did, but there were many close calls. After about 2 weeks of this, we had a ladies retreat at chuch. There were prayer stations set up, and signs directing your thoughts to pray for certain things. At one of these stations I just prayed for the sickness to go away. I couldn't handle 2 more months of this. I had 2 VERY energetic boys at home, a husband who was working very hard for us, and a house that was falling apart because I couldn't do anything to keep it up. Fortunately, God answered that prayer. Within the next week I started feeling better and I didn't have any more episodes that sent me to bed. I still didn't feel the greatest, but I could function in the day and at night-time, when I felt my worse, my worst now was what my best had been in the weeks prior. I still had some strange food aversions- no lunch meat, no cereal, but other aversions were improving- I could eat sweets again (and not just the good stuff that's bad for you, but I could actually eat healthy stuff like fruit again, and I could stomach vegetables better) and I was having fewer cravings for junk/fast food. Now that the first trimester is over, I feel back to myself again. I'm eating normal again (or at least normal for pregnant me) and I feel good again. Already needing extra pillows to sleep comfortably and having some very mild heartburn, but that's all.

All this time though, we're still adjusting to the idea of an expanding family. We've had extensive conversations over how we're going to re-arrange the house, how we're going to pay for everything. And "everything" is a lot. We're committed to remaining debt-free and believe strongly this is what God wants for our family and our finances. But boy has it been difficult. Aaron's insurance changed in June, and our deductibles literally tripled (actually tripled and a half). Fortunately we were able to make some changes with my insurance and I don't think we'll end up maxing our deductible, but we're paying more than double what we initially planned on paying and had set aside to cover "baby costs". And then there's the car. We've been saving for a car for a couple of years now, but our plan was to have one more year to save for our family vehicle. Now we have 6 months to save what we had planned to save in 18 months. And then there's just the costs that come with having another: Ben was sleeping in his toddler bed, which is the crib converted so the boys need new beds so the baby can have the crib; there's the typical baby equipment that we got rid of due to wear and tear from the first two that we need to replace; and to top it off- it's a girl!- so that means some clothing (although I have friends and sisters-in-law with daughters who promise to help in this arena), blankets, crib bedding, washclothes/towels, and all the other stuff that comes with having a baby of a different gender. That also means re-arranging the house to make our "extra room" be the nursery now.

So we've got most of that figured out now, for the most part, more or less. But back to the "it's a girl!". I had come to terms with only having boys. We didn't plan on having this one, so I'm still getting used to the idea of a baby at all and I honestly could care less what the sex was. Truly. Most people just look at me and say, "Aren't you so excited?!?" and I don't think they believe me or really get it when I just say, "Yeah" or "I really didn't care this time". But I didn't. On one hand, I can see a revival of the dreams I had given up on- mommy/daughter mani-pedis, teaching how to wear make-up and having make-up parties for her friends, shopping for prom dresses and wedding dresses. But on the other hand I think of how EASY another boy would have been. We have all the clothes and toys and any boy could want, much less need. And when it comes to the "tough topics" of growing up and adolescence, I could put most of it off onto Aaron because he's the man, he can handle those topics with the boys. Now I have a whole new set of parenting talks to have, and it will all be on me because I'm the mom and the female perspective. More pressure for me; yeah, that's what a mom needs is more pressure! And Aaron is really adjusting to the idea of adding a girl to the mix. He's never hidden the fact that he's wanted boys and would be happy having only boys. He has lots of reasons for not wanting a daughter, and they pretty much all revolve around the idea of a teenage daughter and dating (closely followed by the reasoning of the high cost of paying for a wedding). All of his reasons are valid. However, I suspect that a root cause of his feelings are actually more out of fear. He never had a sister, and he never had any girl cousins that he spent great deals of time around. I've never heard him talk of any close family friends that had daughters that he grew up around either. I think he's scared because he doesn't think he'll know what to do with a girl. I guess he'll find out, because that's where we're headed.

So where are we now? The biggest hurdle right now is naming this little girl. We can't agree on a name. Fortunately we have about 4 more months to think on it. The house is in the process of being arranged, so we'll still have to get the nursery done but the bulk of the moving is done now. We're getting used to the idea, and we know when all is said and done we wouldn't be able to imagine it any other way. We have 5 years to figure out how to pay for school (much less college) for this one, and right now we're hoping and praying some financial aid will come our way when we get there to make it happen. I'm starting to look at baby bedding, and we're talking about paint colors (actually not for the nursery, but some other rooms in the house), and Aaron researches family vehicles online. So even though we don't "do" surprises, we're figuring it out and dealing with it as it comes. Who knows what the next 4 months has in store for us, because the last 4 months have been a roller coaster. But when all is said and done, I know it will be a ride that we were all very happy we went on.